The Secret of Specialness

Healthy and meaningful relationships are about connecting to the specialness

The one whom you selected for your servant for Yitzchak.  (Gen. 24:14)

The first place in the Torah where we encounter an idea is the the archetype of that idea. Or as Reb Shlomo Z”L would often say, “The headquarters” of that idea. So when we first encounter that idea, we know that we can also learn so much from each word and every letter.

While major episodes in Torah pass in just a few lines, the Torah goes into great detail describing how Yitzchak and Rivka (Isaac and Rebecca) came to meet and come together. So if the first love story in the Torah is Yitzchak and Rivka — there must be many things there we can learn about love.

Sometimes I speak with people about why they are not connecting with someone they are dating. And they say, “We don’t really have a deep connection. “We don’t have much in common.” One of the beautiful things we learn from the story of Yitchak and Rivka may help explain why we are not connecting on a deeper level. 

Connecting on a deeper level isn’t necessarily about having the same interests or connecting over the same things. It’s not necessary to be identical to be deep. Connecting deeply may be really about connecting to a deep part of the other person’s soul.

We read in parsha Chayai Sarah about Eliezer speaking with God. The word הֹכַ֙חְתָּ֙ Rashi translates as “selected”. Eliezer is saying, “Find me someone special for Yitzchak”. Reb Shlomo Z”L  teaches that Eliezer is looking for someone whose specialness will connect with Yitzchak’s specialness. And at that moment, Rivka appears. 

You know in this little episode at the well is a deep and powerful message about healthy and meaningful relationships. It’s a powerful way to inspire our children and ourselves in connecting more profoundly to Judaism.

Healthy and meaningful relationships are about connecting to the specialness.

The Torah is teaching us that we need to connect with the specialness in each person. Connect with the specialness of the person that we are dating. Connect to the specialness of the ones we love. Connect to the specialness in our spouses. Connect to the specialness in our children. We have to see and connect with the specialness that others uniquely bring to the world. 

Some like myself are concerned that so many are disconnected from Yiddishkeit. So many are not connecting with the beauty and wisdom in Judaism. But the answer isn’t to make someone feel bad, or feel ignorant. To inspire others to a deeper connection to Judaism, we can connect Judaism to the specialness within them. Maybe before showing how special Torah is, we can start by seeing how special they are.

May Hashem give us open hearts and perceiving eyes to see the specialness in each child, each friend, in our loved ones and in ourselves.  

Good Shabbos 

Thanks to Rabbi Shlomo Katz for Even Shlomo where I rediscovered the commentary by Reb Shlomo that helped inspire this piece.

Photo by Sander Weeteling on Unsplash.

Rabbi Yonah Bookstein is the Deanna and Alevy Alevy Rabbi in Community Outreach at Pico Shul and founder and director of Shabbat Tent.